Have you ever heard that statement, or even said it? These words, "I don't love him/her anymore," are our way of saying that the thrill is gone. The emotion has disappeared and the feelings have died. It is our confession that a relationship we once valued may, very well, be over. But maybe there is still hope.
I wrote a few years ago about this topic and was recently reminded of the power that lies in our decisions. Stephen Covey once wrote, "Between the stimulus and the response, there is a choice." This fact is never truer than in a relationship. However, relationships can be the last place where we consider the difference between our actions and our feelings. We can become so used to the concept of love at first sight, warm feelings, and romantic dinners that we miss the cause and effect. Love can be felt as affection, but love is expressed as an action.
When we expect others to love us, but fail to act in loving ways, we set ourselves up for frustration and disappointment. James Taylor reminded his generation to, "Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way you feel." This is not an abstract concept. It is as practical as cards, flowers, thoughtful words, considerate gifts and kind thoughts. If we expect loving feelings, we cannot withhold loving actions. This is what makes people love you and think kindly of you. Think with me. Who do you like the most in your life? Usually it is the person or people who act the most kindly towards you. They are considerate of your feelings. They give you their time and probably speak words of encouragement to you. If we realize this truth when it comes to our needs, we would be crazy to think that others in our life are different.
What friendship or relationship has lost its spark? Could it be a result of too little loving? By that, I mean, too little kind action. What would happen if we looked at the statement above as an admission of guilt? When we said, "I don't love her anymore," we realized that meant, "I don't act loving toward her anymore." Ouch! That would hurt our feelings, but it sure would show us where to start. Instead of putting the blame on her, or them, or others, the fault would lay squarely in our court. This principle has the power to fix estranged marriages and torn friendships alike. Will you act on it?
It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise to do 4 things. 1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now. 2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her. 3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others' forgiveness. 4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship - otherwise it will get boring. If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience. Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)
Thank you for the comment/post. Love is indeed a beautiful experience and a promise. However, our promises are faulty at best. We need to understand the nature of marriage and what is at the core. Thanks for the motivation. I feel another post coming on. :)