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Health & Fitness

Bears Rant: Come to Me the Magician and the Prophet

Like the NyQuil shots I did before opening kick, the Bears need a sedative, badly...

I am not sure if magician Criss Angel is looking for an opening act on his next road show, but if he is, I know a world-class juggler.

His name is Roy Williams.

Down 10-3, pressing in the red zone in the 4th quarter, Caleb Hanie whipped the skin inside of traffic, and though slight behind his target, Williams again successfully proved his offseason work at the Muhsin Muhammad’s Ball Droppers Camp (BDC) is paying off, in fact, in mid-stride. Pun intended.

Thankfully I came down with a mean head cold this morning so I wasn’t terribly conscious during the game today. Like the NyQuil shots I did before opening kick, the Bears need a sedative, badly, to help them overcome their “gametime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head so you can mutiny on this suckage of a season rest medicine.”

Hanie was Grossmantastic today. Hey, anyone want an interception for Christmas?

Matt Forte, the reliable carburetor for the Bears this season, apparently tore his ACL and is out for the rest of the year. His agent, Adisa Bakari, was seen drunk at Kitty O'Shea's around 2:45 p.m.

Wait, I just got a text from Angel- whom I became friends with at summer camp when I was a tween- who declared Forte is indeed out for the year. Dude can read minds too.

The Chiefs defense, who couldn’t sack a tackling dummy in the doorway of their locker room coming into the game, looked like the ‘85 Bears, tossing Hanie to the wet Soldier Field grass seven times, more than half of their total.....FOR THE SEASON.

We play The Prophet next week, who led the Broncos to another stunning comeback today to go 7-5 (five-in-a-row).

I had a dream during one of my several nod offs due to my lethal intake of cold medication, that after the Denver game, Broncos vice president John Elway said: Look, I still don’t know if this kid is our future but our rosary beads with Bronco orange and blue are selling like hot cakes in our stadium gift shop. Has anyone seen my tea cup poodle, Stan Ford? Hey, are you recording this? Strike that last comment about the puppy.

I love Tim Tebow. I love what he brings to the game. I love what he brings to the NFL. Get off me, Righties.

However, I don’t love the outlook of the once-promising Bears season. I now will, rest.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 








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